When I have the privilege to coach pastors, and in hundreds of conversations I have had with pastors, the topic of leading their church to be a house of prayer is always part of the focus. I eventually asked a question that was critically important, “Is your house a house of prayer?” I challenge the truth that you can export what you don’t import. You must have a house of prayer at home if you want your church to be a house of prayer.

Our twenty-eighth year of marriage was our twenty-seventh year of ministry. You would think  that a pastor would have an exceptional prayer practice with his wife. We didn’t. We prayed together, some. It was usually on the fly. For us, it took an awakening. Let me put it more honestly. It took a train wreck. Ministry had pushed our marriage down the line of priorities. Billie had been getting the scraps of time and focus. The one who is my first disciple was not being tenderly led in spiritual things. That crash, twenty-eight years ago, began a slow process of learning to pray together deeply and regularly.

Praying together saved our marriage and ministry.  We now begin our marriage counseling with troubled couples with this question “How is your prayer time together?” One hundred percent have responded that they do not pray together. I ask pastors the same question in our private conversations, and over 80 percent give the same answer.  Why was it so hard for couples to establish a rhythm of intimate prayer? Over the years, we have seen surveys on that question. Schedules ranked high on the list. Like me, husbands left early for jobs and came home late and tired. It seemed like there just was not a slot in our day where we could drive a stake to pray.

Intimidation was another barrier. Physically strong husbands felt spiritually inferior when it came to prayer. Even I felt like Billie was the superior prayer person when we began. The list of hindrances could continue, but the most significant obstacle is the enemy who battles to destroy our marriages and the life God wants us to have.

Benefits of Praying Together

It is said in the human psyche that one must understand the benefits to attempt anything challenging. Here are a few of the many benefits as I look back.

1. I discovered the joy of walking in obedience. My obedience in leading our prayer life has given me deep peace and satisfaction that I love God as I love my wife through prayer.

2. Praying together leads to vulnerability, humility, and dependence. As we grew in our prayer times, I found myself growing in being open and vulnerable. We found ourselves talking openly after prayer about issues that we usually would not discuss.

3. Praying together changed us. Together we sought God’s direction, wisdom, and His face. We continued to grow in our dependence on Him and our confidence in Him. In the movie Shadowlands, C.S. Lewis says, “I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God. It changes me.” I became an authentic leader.

4. Praying together strengthens the bonds of trust, security, and intimacy. Billie has never felt more secure than she does today. Twenty-seven years of growing in prayer had brought about our most extraordinary moments of intimacy spiritually and physically, which cements our lives together as one flesh.

Some Simple Ideas to Help You Get Started

We offer this book to help give couples an aid to help them get started in the habit of praying together. The daily topics are not a lengthy commentary on the subject. The topics are those we face in our marriages on a regular basis. They are merely jumping-off points to give you a start for prayer. We are sure that you will pray beyond the topic.

1. Set a time. It cannot be left up to “when you get time.” You must select a time. Morning is our best time. Though I might have a 6:00 a.m. meeting, I will return home to pray with Billie at 8:00 a.m. Set your time.

2. Baby steps. Today, Billie and I will pray for 30 to 45 minutes each day. Somedays we will go for an hour. As you get started, take small steps. Five minutes consistently will turn to 10 or 20 minutes. However, your goal is not how long you pray. It is how often you pray. Praying often turns into a habit that you will not want to miss.

3. Pray short prayers. Some call this conversation prayer. Even today, I will drift if Billie prays for a lengthy time. We pray interactive prayers, which keep us focused.

4. Use the Bible to start the prayer. Take the passage at the top of the page each day and look for ways to acknowledge God. Look for His wisdom, goodness, promises in the passage. It is always an easy starter to allow God to begin our conversation through His word. We call this Scripture-feed prayer. The Scripture begins our thankfulness, pulls out our complaints and fears, and brings us to moments of worship. You may also take a psalm, read it together, and respond in prayer with what you see about God in the psalm. Then you may move on to the topic of the day.

5. Don’t misuse prayer. Sometimes prayer can used as tool to try to change each other. It can be subtle nudge for a mate to pray prayers that are shaded towards a change he or she wants in their mate. Prayer is not the time to do that. Therefore, we suggest using scripture to begin your prayer time. Let the Word of God set the tone and direction of your prayer time. Pray encouraging prayers for each other.

There is no more important activity in a marriage than prayer. A new house, car, gadget, clothes will not do for your marriage what prayer will do.

Copyright © 2023 Dennis Henderson. All rights reserved.