Priorities in Marriage

By Dennis Henderson

* The following is an excerpt, from the chapter on Priorities in Marriage in 21 Days of Prayer for Couples by Dennis & Billie Henderson. For more information, or to purchase this entire resource visit our STORE.

“Ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life. Hurry is the enemy of the spiritual life.” Dallas Willard

Matthew 6:28 “why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

It would be an understatement to say we live busy, crowded, overextended lives today. Never in history have people lived at this pace. Our family vans are busier than a New York taxi with kids being rushed from one sport to another, to music, dance, art, and tutoring lessons. Meals are devoured as the van pulls out of the fast food. If there is not enough time to stop at the fast food, Mom just yells, “We have leftovers tonight, see what you can find in the pushed down in the seat cervices.”

Then you have various other things that scream for your time and energy. Shortlist: Job, school activities, neighbors, service organizations, hobbies, and church. Everyone wants a piece of our time and, many times, money. I don’t think I need to paint anymore on this canvas. You live the picture.

Our house is empty of kids, but our schedules are not much slower. Retirement has not come, and we see it or desire it nowhere on the horizon. However, I wonder what it would be like to live one hundred years ago. I believe life was slower, not less challenging, just slower. I try to imagine it was more peaceful, more centered on things that mattered.

With terms like margins, boundaries, overload, refocus, floating around, let me give you one more that might help you with your schedule. Priorities. I have told congregations for years, “Values are what we talk about, priorities are what we live.” This includes (perhaps especially) priorities in marriage. So it is crucial to pick the best choices on the smorgasbord before you.

Years ago, as I was studying Ephesians, I had one of those moments when the scriptures jumped out at me and became so clear. In Ephesians 5 and 6, Paul outlines the will of God. I will identify quickly what Billie and I teach in extended settings. Here is the short version and order of God’s priorities for our lives.

God – 5:18-20
Spouse – 5:21-33
Children – 6:1-4
Vocation – 6:5-9
Ministry – 6:10-33

This is clear. It is in order. You adjust it, and you’re in trouble. Yet, how often they are out of line. Vocation moves to the top. Children move to the top. For me, twenty-seven years of ministry at the top. I can testify that disaster can be at the door when the order is changed.

Let me give you what I tell couples all the time based on scripture, my failure, and hundreds of counseling sessions with couples. When we talk about priorities in marriage, we talk about time, energy, emotion, and money. This might not fly well, but here we go. Children are not the center of the home; no matter how cute you think princess might be, how much potential you think little athlete Andy has, most likely you have overrated them as you try to live your life through them. Here are the facts for high school boys.

In all pro sports, less than one percent of high school athletes make it to the pros in any sport. For example, about 1.1 million boys play football- 255 will make it to the NFL. So, here is the common sense I give to parents and my own children whose kids are in sports and other activities. Unless NCAA Division 1 schools are lined up at your door for your child, stop driving your kids crazy and yourself with thousands of dollars and hours spent on them. They are not going to the pros. I love sports. Played sports. But we have gone off the rails with sports at all levels. So here is my advice to parents. Let our child play sports, one sport. Let them pick one artistic activity if they want but stop there. Stop all the travel teams. There go thousands of dollars a year. Spend your time with your family at home away from hurry, the godless culture. Spend time teaching the Word of God, having good conversations, actual family meals with cell phones turned off.

Where can we go next? Vocation. I can write a book on “The god of vocation.” Read Ecclesiastes. Solomon gives excellent advice on the vanity of toil. Do not let the job control your life. Instead, work less and adjust your lifestyle. Don’t move kids to number one or two. They are three. I told my kids, “I love you greatly, but I love your mother more. She is staying and you are leaving someday.” One more, ministry and church. I am a pastor, but I tell you not to be at church multiple days and nights. Family comes before church.

I have to stop. So much more can be said in our insane society and schedules. The great command validates what I am saying. “Love God, Love your Neighbor.” Matthew 22:37-38. Overloaded schedules diminish your time with God, your spouse, and your family.

Let’s use the scriptures as our starting point today as we think about our schedules and priorities in marriage.